The wait is almost over. After some pretty long hours working on this, I'm glad to say that you'll be able to get your hands on my new ebook, "7 Signs of Infidelity" next Monday, May 18.
If you've been suspecting infedelity, but wondered how to find out for certain... please download and read this ebook. (By the way... I'm not charging anything for it. I want you to have this marriage-saving information. If you use this ebook to save your marriage... that's payment enough for me.)
Anyway... the report will contain not only the seven surest signs of infidelity... but it will also tell you what to do once you're sure. How do you approach your spouse about it? How do you get your spouse to voluntarily end the affair? How do you rebuild your marriage? You'll get all the answers in my ebook, "7 Signs of Infidelity".
(I'm sorry you'll have to wait a few days on this. My assistant is doing a final check to make sure everything is in order. But I promise it will be worth the wait.)
Please bookmark this page... and come back on May 18 to get your copy. When you've gotten past surviving an affair, and built a happy, loving marriage again... I'd love to hear from you! Leave a comment or send an email to let me know how you and your spouse are doing!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Is your marriage Worth the Pain of Surviving An Affair?
One of the biggest problems marriage can encounter is the problem of infidelity. Surviving an affair is often the most difficult thing that two people could ever face. There are very strong emotions involved with cheating - both on the part of the innocent spouse and the spouse who cheated. Guilt, blame, anger... the list goes on and on. The marital problems can reach a breaking point very quickly if the affair isn't addressed!
How do you know if your surviving an affair is even possible? After all, infidelity ends more marriages than just about any other issue. How can yours be different?
Well, any marriage can survive an affair, but things will be much easier if you can honestly say these things about your spouse:
How do you know if your surviving an affair is even possible? After all, infidelity ends more marriages than just about any other issue. How can yours be different?
Well, any marriage can survive an affair, but things will be much easier if you can honestly say these things about your spouse:
- Your spouse told you about the affair voluntarily, instead of you finding out about it yourself.
- Your spouse was honest with you about the details of the affair.
- Your spouse is truly sorry that he or she had the affair.
- Your spouse has agreed to end the affair, or has already ended it.
- Your spouse has agreed to work with you to rebuild your relationship.
Even if all of these things are true, rebuilding your marriage without relationship help will be quite difficult. One of the most highly rated resources is a course called Save the Marriage - it's helped thousands of couples with surviving an affair.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Surviving an Affair: Why Do Affairs Start?
When you're in a marriage struggling to survive infidelity, it might seem odd to think about why affairs start in the first place. But this is an important part of surviving an afffair. Knowing how affairs start gives you the understanding to know how to put your marriage back together - especially if your cheating spouse isn't on board with the idea yet.
Most of think that affairs begin when some dashing young man or slinky, beautiful woman enters our spouse's life. We conjure up images of seduction, intrigue, and mystery; we think the other person could have any partner he or she wants, but has targeted your spouse.
In reality, it's rarely - if ever - how it works. The "other person" is far more likely to be an old friend, a co-worker, or a friend-of a friend than a dashing Cassanova. And most of the time, things don't start out with the intention of igniting an affair. Quite the contrary, an affair usually starts innocently - a water cooler conversation, a lunch break, a walk down to the corner Starbucks for coffee. No big deal - friends, even those of the opposite sex, do all of those things every day without ending up in an affair.
So why do these friendships sometimes evolve into affairs?
This is not going to be pleasant to hear... but most affairs start because one spouse feels that he or she is not having a need met by the other spouse. This doesn't necessarily mean a sexual need (although this can certainly be the case) - more often, it's a more emotional need. Your spouse may feel like her opinions are not being valued, or that he is not being listened to. Another person fills that need, however innocently, and that sows the seed for misplaced affection.
You may be saying to yourself, "I listen to my husband", or "I value my wife's opinion". I don't doubt that in your eyes, this is true. There is an old saying that in marriage, there are three sides to every story - his side, her side, and the truth. Your spouse may not be entirely accurate in what he or she feels... but the important thing here is that it is what he or she feels. The truth doesn't really matter that much. Not right now, anyway.
So the feeling (perception) becomes reality for your spouse... and he or she harbors resentment that eventually leads to being open to an affair. Now, you might think I'm saying that the affair is all your fault. That's not the case at all. See, because you likely think you are meeting your spouse's needs, there is another facet to the problem.
Your spouse, although his or her need was not being met, failed to adequately communicate this need. Your spouse probably didn't want to hurt your feelings, or wanted to believe it was no big deal, or didn't want to "rock the boat"... but the end result was that you didn't have the full opportunity to learn to meet that need.
Both you and your spouse had a hand in the circumstances that led to the affair - I've never seen a relationship where both partners weren't partially to blame. And at the core of the problem is the failure of both partners to be blatantly honest with one another. What would have happened if your spouse had been honest with you about the aspect of your marriage that wasn't fulfilling? Would you have ignored it? Probably not. On the flip side, do you always make an honest effort to find and correct issues that can lead to marriage problems (including infidelity)? Doubtful. Few of us are that relationship-savvy.
So why is all of this important to successfully surviving an affair? In short, it's because if you want to have any hope of surviving infidelity, you are going to have to change the "honesty" dynamic in your marriage. You are going to have to demonstrate that change is possible, particularly if your spouse has given up on your relationship. Showing that change is possible, and that you are willing to learn to meet your spouse's needs, makes the strength and importance of the affair simply fade away. If you can fulfill your spouse's needs, why would he or she need the "other person" any longer?
The "honesty" dynamic will also need to change because you're going to build a relationship that is stronger and more fulfilling than ever before. It's not enough to just put things back the way they were... to get back your unfaithful wife or cheating husband, you're going to need to show that the two of you can reach a new level of happiness. And transparency and honesty are the keys to that happiness.
Most of think that affairs begin when some dashing young man or slinky, beautiful woman enters our spouse's life. We conjure up images of seduction, intrigue, and mystery; we think the other person could have any partner he or she wants, but has targeted your spouse.
In reality, it's rarely - if ever - how it works. The "other person" is far more likely to be an old friend, a co-worker, or a friend-of a friend than a dashing Cassanova. And most of the time, things don't start out with the intention of igniting an affair. Quite the contrary, an affair usually starts innocently - a water cooler conversation, a lunch break, a walk down to the corner Starbucks for coffee. No big deal - friends, even those of the opposite sex, do all of those things every day without ending up in an affair.
So why do these friendships sometimes evolve into affairs?
This is not going to be pleasant to hear... but most affairs start because one spouse feels that he or she is not having a need met by the other spouse. This doesn't necessarily mean a sexual need (although this can certainly be the case) - more often, it's a more emotional need. Your spouse may feel like her opinions are not being valued, or that he is not being listened to. Another person fills that need, however innocently, and that sows the seed for misplaced affection.
You may be saying to yourself, "I listen to my husband", or "I value my wife's opinion". I don't doubt that in your eyes, this is true. There is an old saying that in marriage, there are three sides to every story - his side, her side, and the truth. Your spouse may not be entirely accurate in what he or she feels... but the important thing here is that it is what he or she feels. The truth doesn't really matter that much. Not right now, anyway.
So the feeling (perception) becomes reality for your spouse... and he or she harbors resentment that eventually leads to being open to an affair. Now, you might think I'm saying that the affair is all your fault. That's not the case at all. See, because you likely think you are meeting your spouse's needs, there is another facet to the problem.
Your spouse, although his or her need was not being met, failed to adequately communicate this need. Your spouse probably didn't want to hurt your feelings, or wanted to believe it was no big deal, or didn't want to "rock the boat"... but the end result was that you didn't have the full opportunity to learn to meet that need.
Both you and your spouse had a hand in the circumstances that led to the affair - I've never seen a relationship where both partners weren't partially to blame. And at the core of the problem is the failure of both partners to be blatantly honest with one another. What would have happened if your spouse had been honest with you about the aspect of your marriage that wasn't fulfilling? Would you have ignored it? Probably not. On the flip side, do you always make an honest effort to find and correct issues that can lead to marriage problems (including infidelity)? Doubtful. Few of us are that relationship-savvy.
So why is all of this important to successfully surviving an affair? In short, it's because if you want to have any hope of surviving infidelity, you are going to have to change the "honesty" dynamic in your marriage. You are going to have to demonstrate that change is possible, particularly if your spouse has given up on your relationship. Showing that change is possible, and that you are willing to learn to meet your spouse's needs, makes the strength and importance of the affair simply fade away. If you can fulfill your spouse's needs, why would he or she need the "other person" any longer?
The "honesty" dynamic will also need to change because you're going to build a relationship that is stronger and more fulfilling than ever before. It's not enough to just put things back the way they were... to get back your unfaithful wife or cheating husband, you're going to need to show that the two of you can reach a new level of happiness. And transparency and honesty are the keys to that happiness.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Welcome to Surviving an Affair
I'd like to take a moment to welcome you to "Surviving an Affair". Since you've landed onn this site, chances are you or someone you know is dealing with the aftermath of an affair. The effects of infidelity on a relationship are profound... trust has been betrayed, and couples dealing with infidelity issues are often left wondering if there is any way the relationship can ever be the same again.I won't tell you that surviving an affair is an easy task - in fact, it's probably one of the hardest things you and your partner will ever go through. I will tell you, though, that it can be done. The critical element is bringing together you and your spouse to commit to saving the relationship.
This means that the partner who had the affair has to end it - there's no way around that. He or she must also be completely honest about the affair - this is not a time for sugar-coating or hiding details, no matter how painful they may be. This is essential to re-establishing trustworthiness.
The partner who way betrayed has to take the process of healing and forgiveness seriously. It doesn't happen overnight... but in order to save the marriage, he or she must face all of the emotions surrounding the affair. It won't do any good to gloss over these emotions or just pretend that it's all okay. Honesty is very important here - the spouse who had the affair has to know how the betrayed partner feels.
Even getting to the point where you and your partner can start talking about rebuilding your relationship can be difficult. There are a variety of resources out there that can help you get to that point - I recommend Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom.
Surviving an affair is difficult, but the affair doesn't have to destroy your marriage. I've seen many couples bounce back from infidelity to become closer than ever... and you and your partner can too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
